The Inevitable Beethoven Breakdown and How to Avoid It.

If you need a reason to quit playing piano this simple equation is your answer....

piano + pianist = mental anguish, nervous breakdown, feelings of inadequacy.

and if that isn't reason enough to quit, I don't know what is. However, for those of us -as the evil octopus witch of "little mermaid" put it- unfortunate souls who are foolish enough to continue playing, our days are numbered. Today my number came up, it was 17. No. 17 Beethoven Sonata that is.

I sometimes sit back and wonder what possibly could have been going through Beethoven's mind whilst writing his music. Did he have some personal vendetta against his fellow contemporaries? I suppose he must have, I know I would if everyone said I was going deaf and I do not mean in the literal sense as he was, but rather in pejorative sense. As for this vendetta, I know how Beethoven exacted his revenge. No really, hear me out. He just made sure his compositions were impossible to play.

Wait, I retract that statement. They are not impossible to play. They are "near" impossible. See that was Beethoven's plan. To write compositions that would drive his fellow musicians batty. I can see the hopeful pianists of his time slaving away at the ivory keyboard battling through mind numbing torturous hours of practice. Lifting their shame filled faces to the heavens to call out for mercy or even better for some extra talent. And finally the realization nay the relief that they are going to die from (you guessed it) irreparable finger hemorrhaging. Relieved because death is better than playing a Beethoven.

What of course is regrettable is the number of pianos that were tried and sentenced to fire wood, wrongly accused in the death of their masters. It is only now we know the truth. It was Ludwig's carefully fabricated squiggly black note compositions that led to the pianist's demise. Although this fact will never be completely proven, several notable historians have noted a rise in deaths in and around Vienna during Beethoven's most prolific years as a composer. And although the death by finger hemorrhaging rate was not particularly high, the suicide rate was. Now these same compositions are driving present day musicians batty and towards similar finger hemorrhaging/jump off the ledge deaths.

So, what is the modern day pianist to do? Beethoven's compositions are accepted and considered an important part of a pianist's repertoire. How can we possibly avoid similar fates? First, we need to raise awareness of Beethoven's centuries old scheme. Secondly, pianists need to limit the amount of time they practice Beethoven compositions. Unfortunately, for us, learning/practicing his music is unavoidable.

A question I am frequently asked is how long is too long on a Beethoven? That's easy, Over Practicing Beethoven Death Syndrome or OPBDS has unique stages. After a certain amount of time, --the time usually varies pianist to pianist, some pianists can practice Beethoven for days before feeling any affects while others can barely last minutes-- a pianist will generally move through these stages:

1. feelings of mental fatigue followed by periods of false enlightenment
2. the need to scream or throw objects
3. the need to bang, thrash or play continuously at FFF decibel readings
4. obsessive-compulsive practicing techniques -- i.e., playing particular stanzas incessantly or playing until your fingers bleed.*
5. complete mental breakdown and sense of reality lost

and the final stage...
6. the urge to throw oneself off anything 10 feet or higher from the ground**
*(can be fatal) **(most likely fatal)

if you have any of these symptoms then you have indeed practiced a Beethoven composition for too long and are experiencing OPBDS. I suggest you seek help immediately either from your piano teacher or a Rachmaninoff Concerto recording, which ever is more readily available. I must add that it is always wise to discontinue your practice at the mental fatigue stage. Continuing any further can lead to death or committal.

By limiting your Beethoven practicing time and being aware of symptom onset, you should be able to avoid OPBDS and achieve virtuosic greatness.

However, sometimes it is even difficult for those of us aware of OPBDS to follow these rules. Thursday, Yesterday, and Today being proof. I fell into the trap of Sonata No. 17, or as it is more commonly known "The Tempest". I have been trying to work on the full sonata for my college auditions and I have to admit I have started a little late. I saw the light a little too late to be more accurate. Nonetheless, I have been drudging through the majority of my pieces and making great progress....well at least until No. 17. The first movement was no problem; I had messed around with it before so I was already immune to most of its traps. However, the second movement and third movement were and are another story.

I began Thursday with a great outlook. The second movement in most editions is only 4 pages and the third movement is only 10. Not too bad, 14 pages is really not that much material. Boy, was I wrong! 4 pages soon turned into 400, and I began to feel the telltale mental fatigue of OPBDS. Unfortunately, I was so wrapped up in practicing I took no notice. Come Friday I started the third movement, canceling out most of the initial mental fatigue from the second movement but soon I had hit stage two. I must say portable metronomes fly quite marvelously across the room. However, the mark they leave in the wall is not so attractive. Still, I did not heed the warning signs, I had become wrapped up in my ego, the need to progress and not be defeated. By the end of Friday, I had reached the incessant practicing stage. Although, my fingers were miraculously saved from blood shed. But it did not stop there. Today, before realizing that I was suffering from a severe case of OPBDS, I found myself enduring stage 5. Yes, completely and utter mental breakdown. Obviously and luckily, my OPBDS stopped there or you would be reading my obituary.

How did I conquer OPBDS in its final stages? It wasn't easy, but Chopin and ice cream were factors in my recovery. So, I repeat do not let OPBDS go further than stage 1 and if you are extremely prudent you will not let it ever reach stage 1. Moreover, if you are a real hypochondriac, just don't play, listen or look at anything Beethoven. Just remember....

On a Beethoven never linger...
You just might lose more than a finger.


More Later.